"A lot of mom's out there are so busy complaining that they don't take the time to see what a beautiful miracle and blessing it is to be a mom..."A few weeks ago I received an unexpected, but rather nice, message from an old varsity friend complimenting my enthusiasm and involvement in the raising of my son. She works with kids in the psychology field and, to put it mildly, I was quite flattered but, at the same time, saddened. And more than a little angered. Not by the message, but by the truth in the above statement. The above is from that same message, and it has stayed with me these past weeks. I wish I could say that I disagree with the sentiment, but in my own experience I have come across many a mother who, simply put, does not know how to embrace the joy of mommyhood. I once knew a girl who admitted to me that she was trying to concoct a way she could kill her child without anyone knowing because she didn't like the life she was forced to live after the birth. This is, of course, an extreme case, but it does highlight, in a very real way, a very real problem that society is facing - the plague of the disinterested and disconnected parent.
Let me begin by stating very clearly that I do not believe myself to be a Supermom. I am simply a mom who tries her best everyday to give her child the best she is capable of - time, love and commitment. I understand that many moms do not have the option to be a full-time mother, and this is no indictment of them. I have the utmost respect for those mothers who get dressed every morning and set off for a day at the office to put food on the table and clothes and their children's backs. What I can't get behind is a mother who, on arriving home after a day at the office, has very little time and regard for the children she birthed. I have watched many mothers palm their children off on housekeepers, nannies, husbands, grandmothers - the list goes on - because they "don't have the time and energy" to deal with their child's needs. And this is not limited to the working mother, I have seen the same behaviour in full-time moms. It is in moments like this that I want to ask the burning question: "Why did you have children at all?". Perhaps I am too judgmental in my observations, and I am open to any debate this may inspire. Everyone is allowed an off day now and then, but when I see the same behaviours from the same people time and time again, I feel there must be something going unaddressed.
Read the above quote again. Someone has sprung to mind for you. And that is why I am saddened. All children deserve to grow up feeling they are loved and wanted, not an inconvenience. No child is here by their own choice - we make that choice for them - the first in a long line of choices that will shape who they become. I am a firm believer in the old adage - if you make your bed, you must lie in it. Perhaps it is a bit of a harsh stand to take, but parenting is not for the faint of heart. I refuse to be a sideline parent in my own child's life. I want to jump in there and get all muddied up helping my son become the best man he can be, not because I feel a dragging duty, but because I WANT TO. When Ricky was born I didn't move my mother or any other family member in with Rod and I, I didn't move out to my mom's place because it was all too much. I didn't even hire a nanny or a housekeeper to deal with the housework. Rod and I did what couples of decades past did - we sucked it up, we accepted our decision and the implications thereof, and we looked after our child. We divvied up household chores, we found a routine that worked for us with regards to our little man, and we went about life embracing the changes he brought. Again, I reiterate, I am no Supermom, but at least we did it ourselves, with smiles on our faces and love in our hearts.
Rod and I have sat many an evening over a mug of Milo once Ricky is down, and wondered why so many parents seem overly willing to be so apart from the rearing of their children, why so many couples have children if all they do is hand them over to others for the basic care and attention they themselves should be providing. There are many reasons that couples choose to have children but, in my opinion, only one is valid - because they WANT them. Too many couples feel the pressure, either self-inflicted or from family and friends, to spawn young. Too many times I have heard the phrase "my mom really wants a grandchild". So what!? Will your mom be raising them? Too many couples think a baby will heal a failing marriage - do I even have to state the obvious here!? Anyone who has had a child will tell you that a new baby brings new challenges, and if you weren't already 100% together, you're not going to be magically united upon the arrival of your bundle. Think it through. And, of course, my favourite new reason for having kids - everyone else is doing it, and look at the attention they're getting. How many mothers do you know who use their child as the latest fashion accessory, snuggling it up and playing Mommy Perfect when the cameras are around or an audience is abundant? I know a few. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, nanny takes care of Little Susie while mommy spends her days doing exactly what she did before baba came along. This is not the 1800s, and we are not nobility, ladies. Get involved in your child's life - you owe it that much.
I was reading an article the other day that stated that parents should put aside at least ten minutes a day per child to spend with them. Ten minutes!! Rod is a full-time working dad and he spends much more than that with Ricky daily! Lord above, a bath alone takes about half an hour, not to mention the time necessary for feeding and other basic child maintenance! Then of course there's the fun stuff like playing, listening to music... I was blown away by that statement! Even more mind-blowing were the comments to the article. "I simply don't have time, how can they expect ten minutes?"
Really?
Again, I ask - why did you have children?
I realise that this post may be massively offensive to some, perhaps many, but I hope it has at least inspired thought. Do not be misled by pretty pictures in magazines, a child is a huge responsibility, and if you are not ready to have your life forever changed, that is fine. I know a number of couples who are childless by choice after many years of marriage because they recognise that the time is not right. And THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT! Before you enter into this lifelong commitment, understand the implications, and accept them. I am not saying don't do it. Having Ricky was the best thing I have ever done, and I encourage you to at least consider it for yourselves - but not before you are ready, and for the right reasons.
I'll leave you with one final thought before I return to my sleeping child. Whether your little one is newborn or grown, child or adult, they know how much their parents want them. They sense a parent's - and especially a mother's - love, interest and attention. There is no faking it. To again quote my friend - "I wanted to say well done on being such an involved and thoughtful Mom. I wish there were more of you around, as then I wouldn't have to deal with the difficulties I see presenting in kids of an older age." This speaks volumes about the state of parenting today. I encourage you, put down what you are doing, forget the dishes, forget that gorgeous pair of shoes at Nine West. Pick up your child, tell them you love them, mean it, and do something with them. Not what you want, but what they want. Not for ten minutes, but for as long as you can. Before you know it they are grown and you will be left with so many regrets, so many things undone and words unsaid. Don't just pay lip service, act on your promises. You have been blessed, accept that blessing and be thankful for it everyday!
Your child doesn't need a mother, they need a Mommy. And they need to know they are loved and wanted.
So want them.
Peace and smiles,
Mommy
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